How To Flirt

WHAT SHE SAID > JODI BROWN

Q: Is there a flirting method that works best most of the time?  What’s the best way to ask out a complete stranger?” GREG, CHANDLER, AZ

Fortunately, there is; put your best foot forward, but be natural.  If you’re thinking of approaching women in terms of “flirting method(s)”, for example, that could be a problem.  There should be no major gear shift between normal social interaction with your friends and your approach with a woman. Think of it as a social job interview. People – women included – can sense desperation. They want to be with someone who is comfortable with themselves, and confident in who they are; if your initial contact seems stilted or contrived, you may be turning women off, even if they can’t quite put their finger on why.  Be casual, conversational, and have a sense of humor. Don’t think in terms of lines, or “what women want to hear”; be yourself; smile; be humble and honest in your compliments, and be sensitive to the signals you receive in return.  If she’s not feeling it, you will know within minutes.  Give her some space and -you never know- she might change her mind when she sees how respectful you can be of her intentions.

Making The Approach I know it’s not always supposed to be the guy’s place to do this, but, let’s be honest, it most often is, and I don’t envy you for it.  It’s a difficult thing to do, and I think all men who have put themselves out in this way should be commended.  Having said this, there are good ways and bad – and humiliating and awe inspiring – to move in, and what may work like a dream with one woman may send another running.  With that in mind, here are a couple of things you might try:

1. Test the waters first. Make eye contact.  Wait a minute or two, and look back; if the eyes are still there, seeking yours, it’s a good sign, especially if accompanied by a smile.  If the eyes are just checking to see whether she’s being stalked, she will look away quickly and try to look otherwise engaged. 

2. If the signs look good and she’s with a group of girls, be sure to include them in your conversation, while making your focus clear – you should never underestimate the influence of the girl gaggle on your success.  You want to come accross as a relaxed, confident guy who will be just as good as he was before if he doesn’t make a connection.  You do not want to come across like a hunter focused on his prey.
b. Pay a compliment to the way she looks if it feels natural and genuine.  Don’t fixate though on what she looks like. Remember: behind every beautiful face is a person who wants to be known and appreciated for all that she is, not just externally.

There’s another reason for the natural approach, too, that benefits you and could help you save face if the attraction is not reciprocated.  If you approach a woman wearing your intentions on your sleeve, i.e. telling her how beautiful she is, that you’d like to get with her, etc., it’s a lot easier to be shut down, and in a way that might sting a little more than if you never let it all hang out, so to speak.  Let the flirtation take place in the realm of subtlety and you will find yourself feeling less exposed and more in control of the situation.

Ask Jodi a question by emailing to whatshesaid@mensguideonline.com