Relationship Jealousy: How to Reign It In
BY JASON FIERSTEIN, MA, LPC
Nothing else is so consuming and addictive in quite the same way as feeling jealous in a relationship. Empires have been fought (and lost) over jealous lovers, and personal fortunes have tumbled quite rapidly. In “Jealous Guy,” John Lennon sang about it. We’ve all been there at one point or another, and, having learned something from the experience, I share with you some strategies to laser in on and reign in your jealousy:
- Admit you’re feeling jealous. Women want to hear your feelings about them, but get repelled when you start acting on your jealousy.
- Don’t do these things: check the text history on her phone, check cell phone bills, Facebook account, set up a laptop camera or any of those things. You’re making it worse in several ways.
1. She may find out, and the repercussions could be way worse (e.g. breakup or divorce).
2. Acting on jealousy is addictive. The more you act on it, the more you want to.
3. It’s the reverse of trust, which is like the number 1 thing she wants from you. Ask her.
- Realize that a lot of the material that generates your jealousy is about fear of not being good enough. If you’re struggling with feeling inferior, get help. Talk about it. Feeling inferior is normal; guys just don’t usually talk about it and hold those feelings in. It’s not “unmanly” to feel inferior sometimes.
- Don’t assume! Check out your assumptions in reality. Talk with your partner to see if your suspicions/fears/assumptions about her and your relationship are true or not. Dispel the scary thoughts, and get them out – communication is key. You’re judgment isn’t always reliable when it’s based on negative emotions.
Feeling jealous can run deep. Working on the impulsive behaviors that get you into trouble because of your jealousy is key. Change these, and you’ll suffer a little less from corrosive jealousy in your life.
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