Men’s Counselor Q+A
Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC
My wife says I don’t communicate well with her. If I want to improve, where do I start?
The absolute first thing you must do is practice better listening skills. Most guys have a hard time listening to their wives or girlfriends, but that’s the key to the castle. Practice sitting with her, listening to her words, and observing her body language and non-verbal cues. Really spend time listening on all levels and watching your own defensiveness or need to talk about your own situation. There’s a time for that, but when you’re really listening – and I mean really listening – you’re not preoccupied or sitting impatiently waiting to interject your own perspective. Validate her concerns, offer to help, and do this repeatedly. It will take some practice, but this is the No. 1 step you can take to create the relationship you really want.
I tend to feel guilty, especially with regard to my wife and family. But I’m not exactly sure why. What does this mean?
I often think of guilt as “anger reversed.” We feel guilty when we know we should do something, yet deep down, we really just don’t want to do it. It’s a psychic split in ourselves between our experiences. If you’re angry, get in touch with it and communicate it as best as you can. If you’re harboring guilt, don’t let it fester and make things worse over time. Deal with it right now. If you’re not getting something you need – more appreciation, more time for yourself, or more time to play ball with the guys – talk with your wife and family and tell them how you are feeling. They’ll understand. You want to do right by them, while still doing yourself good. I think both parties can be satisfied, and the guilt can eventually be left behind.
How can I tell if pornography has become a problem?
Pornography – especially Internet porn – can be a big-time distraction for you and your partner (or any potential dates). If you find yourself regularly using porn and being less sexual with actual people, it might be time to reconsider where you direct your sexual energy. If you’re denying that porn is a problem (to yourself or, especially, to a partner), it’s probably become just that – a problem. If the emotional distance between you and your partner is growing and you’re using porn, those symptoms are likely related, making it time to acknowledge that porn has created a relationship or intimacy problem. She may be feeling rejected and unsexy because you’re spending less time with her and more time with porn. Talk about it and see if there is room in the relationship for porn as a tool to bring you together, not apart.
What simple things can I do to de-stress?
Try these things to help reduce your stress:
- Identify your stress signals and sources of stress. Most guys don’t really stop to think about these things until there’s a problem. Learn where stress comes from and how it affects your mind and body. Know yourself.
- Build better sleep, nutrition, and exercise habits. Try yoga to reduce stress (it’s not just for women anymore!).
- Practice mindful meditation regularly. There are a number of good books that can help. Mindfulness training is proven to reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.
- Stop holding it in. The worst thing you can do is hold stress in because it affects your mind, body, and spirit. The same goes for other emotions, such as anger, sadness, or pain (which can be related to stress). Get help or support to help you cope.
I have anger problems and I tend to hold grudges over little things. How can I learn to just let them go?
Many guys are convinced that if they “just let it go,” the situation (and their anger) will go away. It might, but you’re training your brain to repress your experiences. For many guys struggling with anger, holding it in leads to explosiveness later on – the “pressure cooker” effect. And before that explosion, they stay quiet and silent, simply building up steam with each new situation. Eventually, they explode because the anger hasn’t been released in a healthy way. Instead, try communicating directly what you need, and how you feel (angry) about not getting what you need, whether that’s to your partner, friend, or other person. If you communicate correctly, you can be direct and non-confrontational – and stop “holding it in,” which makes everything much worse, especially in intimate relationships.
