Success Q+A
David P. Linssen, MA, LPC, CPA
I feel there are some internal barriers keeping me from really realizing my goals. How can I move past them?
When clients tell me they feel stuck, the first thing I ask them to do is to revisit their goals. Take time to sit down and list and prioritize goals from all aspects of your life, not just your job. You might discover that one reason you’re not realizing your goals is because you’re working on the wrong priorities in life. Externally, you’re working in one direction, but internally you really want to go in a different direction.
Assuming you are working on your top priorities, explore how your goals match the priorities of the important people around you (e.g. significant other, boss, etc.). Perhaps you are being constrained by others’ expectations and you need to factor that into the equation.
Finally, are you placing excessively high expectations on yourself? As Clint Eastwood’s Dirty Harry said: “A man’s got to know his limitations.”
I’m recently unemployed. How can I stay motivated and positive?
I’m truly sorry to hear about your job loss. It’s important to be mindful of your emotions and feelings, because losing a job one of life’s major stressors. So, first and foremost, engage in self-care. Be certain that you continue to get adequate rest, eat a healthy diet, stay in touch with your support system of family and friends, and exercise daily.
As you look for a new job, consider the possibility that this might be an exciting opportunity to explore entirely new career directions. If your financial situation allows, give some thought to postponing your search while you continue your education and acquire skills and knowledge that will enhance your marketability.
Also, keep in mind that things in life beyond your career can give you purpose and satisfaction. Use some of your available time to volunteer and give back to your community. It not only feels good, but you never know what contacts you will make in the process.
I’ve worked for years to get my family to our current financial status. Honestly, sometimes I don’t feel like they really appreciate it and then I feel guilty for feeling that way. How should I handle this?
If I read between the lines, it sounds like your family is doing OK financially, and I congratulate you for that. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be to have sacrificed and worked for a number of years, only to have your family under-value what’s been accomplished.
What concerns me most about your question, though, is that you don’t know for certain what they actually are feeling. For me, that’s a red flag suggesting a family-communication tune-up needs to happen. If you operate from assumptions, you’ll probably be wrong as often (more often?) as you’re right. Why not sit down and discuss your concerns with them? How do they actually feel about you’re your financial status and the effort that you’ve put in? Where do finances rank on the scale of what’s important to each of you? Would anyone prefer you to scale back your work schedule and engage the family in other ways?
Sitting down and listening to each other might very well provide a surprising array of thoughts, opinions, and desires. At a minimum, you’ll get to know each other a little bit better. And at best, your family just might chart a unified course into a healthy and happy future together.
My wife and I have very different opinions about spending and saving, which have caused a lot of conflict recently. What can I do to resolve this?
I’m so glad that you asked this question. Based on my experience, I’m confident that many readers face similar situations in their relationships. Money-related conflict is one of the leading relationship busters, and I commend you for taking action to resolve the problem rather than hoping it just goes away.
One approach that many couples take is to manage money via three separate checking accounts: yours, mine, and ours. The joint account can be used for recurring payments such as your mortgage or rent, utilities, food, etc. Each of you also can maintain your own individual account to do with as you please.
While this can be a useful technique for minimizing conflict, I also encourage both of you to continue to explore your different perspectives. Working together to resolve money-related conflict can be an opportunity to build a stronger, more respectful, and more loving relationship.
Like many other people, I’ve lost a lot of retirement money over the past few years. It can be very discouraging at times, causing bouts of anxiety. What are your thoughts on this?
Many clients over the past few months have echoed your feelings about our current financial environment. We are undergoing something most of us have never experienced before, and that understandably can create or heighten anxiety. Additionally, many people feel they have “played by the rules” for their entire lives and are discouraged that the results aren’t what they anticipated they would be.
It’s helpful in a time like this to focus on the things over which you have control and to let go of those things you can’t control. It’s unproductive to spend too much time reflecting on the past, rehashing all of the “would’ve, could’ve, should’ve” decisions. Conversely, it’s unhealthy to expend your energies on what I call “catastrophic forecasting” about the future.
Certainly, take whatever lessons you can from the past and apply them as you plan for the future with your financial advisor. Given your age, length of time until retirement, and financial goals, devise a plan that reflects current reality – and then set it aside. Check on its status only as often as absolutely necessary. Then, focus on today, the “here and now.” Take that energy that was wasted on anxiety and discouragement and funnel it into areas of your life that bring you satisfaction and fulfillment: your relationships, career, and personal interests.
