The Lowdown on Five of Your Girlfriend’s Most Irritating Behaviors
 |
Meg Krein, MS |
|
Meg Krein On Facebook |
Women, just like men can be super confusing. One more thing we have in common with each other? We all fall into certain behavior patterns; even more so when we’re in a relationship or shacking up. But, instead of getting all frustrated with your girlfriend and doing the whole on-again, off-again dating thing, try taking a shot at understanding where she’s coming from. It’s either that or be single guys, because I’m telling you, most all women do these things.
Picking Off Your Plate: We need to be able to prove to ourselves, and any other woman who might be watching, that we have what it takes to utter those painful words, “I’ll just have a salad.” So while our saliva is wetting our lettuce from watching you bite into a delicious burger and fries, we know the calories won’t count if they come off of your plate.
Dressing to the Nines, No Matter What: It doesn’t matter if you’re taking us to a fancy dinner party or a baseball game, we’re gonna make sure we look good. You know, better than any other woman that will be there. And of course, we’re always holding out that you might have a surprise up your sleeve and whisk us away to someplace extra special.
Organizing Your Stuff: We like things pretty and we like to help; hence the new color-coding system you’ve got going on in your closet and the easier to access dinnerware arrangement in your kitchen. There, now doesn’t that explanation make our little invasion a little easier to swallow?
Telling You Everyone’s Drama: Because you care so much about us, we think you also care about all of our co-workers, friends, and beloved reality TV stars. We don’t realize you don’t give a damn. But because you’re, like, our best friend we must tell you – everything – about these people. It truly makes us feel better, especially when you take our side.
Bathroom Field Trips: You know as well as we do that we don’t actually have to pee in there. These restroom excursions are used as personal gossip booths. When one of our girls announces she has to go pee, we follow suit because we just never know what secrets she’s gotta spill in there. And yes, it most likely has something to do with men.
Relationship Jealousy: How to Reign It In
BY JASON FIERSTEIN, MA, LPC
Nothing else is so consuming and addictive in quite the same way as feeling jealous in a relationship. Empires have been fought (and lost) over jealous lovers, and personal fortunes have tumbled quite rapidly. In “Jealous Guy,” John Lennon sang about it. We’ve all been there at one point or another, and, having learned something from the experience, I share with you some strategies to laser in on and reign in your jealousy:
- Admit you’re feeling jealous. Women want to hear your feelings about them, but get repelled when you start acting on your jealousy.
- Don’t do these things: check the text history on her phone, check cell phone bills, Facebook account, set up a laptop camera or any of those things. You’re making it worse in several ways.
1. She may find out, and the repercussions could be way worse (e.g. breakup or divorce).
2. Acting on jealousy is addictive. The more you act on it, the more you want to.
3. It’s the reverse of trust, which is like the number 1 thing she wants from you. Ask her.
- Realize that a lot of the material that generates your jealousy is about fear of not being good enough. If you’re struggling with feeling inferior, get help. Talk about it. Feeling inferior is normal; guys just don’t usually talk about it and hold those feelings in. It’s not “unmanly” to feel inferior sometimes.
- Don’t assume! Check out your assumptions in reality. Talk with your partner to see if your suspicions/fears/assumptions about her and your relationship are true or not. Dispel the scary thoughts, and get them out – communication is key. You’re judgment isn’t always reliable when it’s based on negative emotions.
Feeling jealous can run deep. Working on the impulsive behaviors that get you into trouble because of your jealousy is key. Change these, and you’ll suffer a little less from corrosive jealousy in your life.
How To Flirt
WHAT SHE SAID > JODI BROWN
Q: Is there a flirting method that works best most of the time? What’s the best way to ask out a complete stranger?” GREG, CHANDLER, AZ
Fortunately, there is; put your best foot forward, but be natural. If you’re thinking of approaching women in terms of “flirting method(s)”, for example, that could be a problem. There should be no major gear shift between normal social interaction with your friends and your approach with a woman. Think of it as a social job interview. People – women included – can sense desperation. They want to be with someone who is comfortable with themselves, and confident in who they are; if your initial contact seems stilted or contrived, you may be turning women off, even if they can’t quite put their finger on why. Be casual, conversational, and have a sense of humor. Don’t think in terms of lines, or “what women want to hear”; be yourself; smile; be humble and honest in your compliments, and be sensitive to the signals you receive in return. If she’s not feeling it, you will know within minutes. Give her some space and -you never know- she might change her mind when she sees how respectful you can be of her intentions.
Making The Approach I know it’s not always supposed to be the guy’s place to do this, but, let’s be honest, it most often is, and I don’t envy you for it. It’s a difficult thing to do, and I think all men who have put themselves out in this way should be commended. Having said this, there are good ways and bad – and humiliating and awe inspiring – to move in, and what may work like a dream with one woman may send another running. With that in mind, here are a couple of things you might try:
1. Test the waters first. Make eye contact. Wait a minute or two, and look back; if the eyes are still there, seeking yours, it’s a good sign, especially if accompanied by a smile. If the eyes are just checking to see whether she’s being stalked, she will look away quickly and try to look otherwise engaged.
2. If the signs look good and she’s with a group of girls, be sure to include them in your conversation, while making your focus clear – you should never underestimate the influence of the girl gaggle on your success. You want to come accross as a relaxed, confident guy who will be just as good as he was before if he doesn’t make a connection. You do not want to come across like a hunter focused on his prey.
b. Pay a compliment to the way she looks if it feels natural and genuine. Don’t fixate though on what she looks like. Remember: behind every beautiful face is a person who wants to be known and appreciated for all that she is, not just externally.
There’s another reason for the natural approach, too, that benefits you and could help you save face if the attraction is not reciprocated. If you approach a woman wearing your intentions on your sleeve, i.e. telling her how beautiful she is, that you’d like to get with her, etc., it’s a lot easier to be shut down, and in a way that might sting a little more than if you never let it all hang out, so to speak. Let the flirtation take place in the realm of subtlety and you will find yourself feeling less exposed and more in control of the situation.
Ask Jodi a question by emailing to whatshesaid@mensguideonline.com
Why Men Cheat: The Big 7 Reasons
BY JASON FIERSTEIN, MA, LPC
Cheating is one of those many things in our culture that we gasp in horror at, yet look to celebrities for some instant titillation for. We’ve seen Tiger Woods, David Letterman, Gov. Mark Sanford and John Edwards all got busted for cheating just this year, and all coughed up an apology only after they’ve been nabbed. For women, it’s next to impossible to really pry the truth out of their men if they’ve cheated, but here are seven main reasons why men cheat. Stopping cheating is looking for – and working on – the reasons, as a preventative measure against it.
1. Guys who cheat stopped feeling like they could win in their relationship or marriage, that nothing that they could do or say could help them feel more successful. These guys give up trying, because they don’t think it’s worth it to try anymore when they’re just hitting their heads against a wall with their partners.
2. Cheating men have stopped connecting emotionally or verbally with their women, and vice versa. A couple will start to cool off, stop initiating intimate communication, reduce or stop having sex and generally start to become more like friends or roommates than lovers. The relationship drift begins and usually doesn’t come back without intervention.
3. These men seek out attention from other women, who do validate and affirm them as men, sexual partners, workers, etc. For these guys, this is an avoidance strategy, because working out those unmet needs from within the relationship with their partners is how the healing can really begin. Other women can satisfy those needs for only so long, until the stress of keeping two relationships is bound to buckle one or the other.
4. Some men come from a family history of cheaters. Maybe Dad did it, or Uncle Larry. It’s considered learned behavior, and it can be handed down generationally (yet preventable) to cheating sons, or daughters.
5. The validation, attention and affection that cheating men get from other women is very intoxicating. For some, it’s like a thirsty camel finding an oasis. A lot of men I talk to didn’t even know that they needed support until they started getting it from another woman.
6. Some men are “emotionally disconnected” from themselves, and therefore, their wives. Generally, men have a much more difficult time being able to communicate their feelings and needs to their wives and girlfriends. They may be afraid to talk about those things because they feel that their home environment is not safe to talk, or are scared of their women.
7. They’re feeling unfulfilled sexually, and are looking for other partners to fulfill them with sex, which could also be related to unmet emotional and intimacy needs. See number 4.
There are a lot of reasons why men cheat, and these are a few. Each situation is different, and each guy is different, but it’s important to make connections to the basics. Sure, sex is important, and we also get bored in relationships, but cheating has way more destructive effects than it does positive ones.
Sex and Relationships Q+A
|
Meg Krein, MS |
| Meghan at Examiner.com Twitter.com/MegKrein |
What can I do to increase my sex appeal?
Enroll in comedy school. I’m not joking. Almost all women I know say a sense of humor is the No. 1 thing they look for in a man. Looks came second. So after you’ve learned how to tell a joke, run to the gym. No need to get all ‘roided out. A little definition will do. Next, ensure you’ve got yourself together. A woman likes a man with a sense of style. Are you dressing like a man or are you stuck in that awkward in-between stage? Our Image and Style expert, Lisa Anne Martin, can help you out. Finally, make sure you’re using what your mama taught you: your manners.
Can I become psychologically addicted to Viagra?
In short (no pun intended, really), yes you can. But psychological addiction usually only occurs when Viagra is abused, which happens as a result of the increased confidence it provides. According to recent studies, the biggest market for Viagra is men under the age of 40. Clearly, few men under 40 are being treated for erectile dysfunction (ED). They are using the drug as a performance enhancer – to be a stud in bed. So although they are physically fit and sexually healthy, they may be developing a psychological addiction because they don’t believe they can perform as well without Viagra.
I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year now and the sex is not what it once was. What can I do to get the spark back in the bedroom?
You say the sex isn’t what “it once was.” Well let me tell you something, it won’t ever be. But before you go looking on Craigslist, hear me out. Relationships constantly evolve, which is a good thing. Change is the one constant we can count on in life. It’s just requires a little more work or creativity on both of your parts. I suggest you take the lead. Start with a little romance. Cook for her. Give her a massage. Take her out of town. Send her flirty text messages. Compliment her and tell her why you love her. Women absolutely love to be admired and cherished. She’ll reciprocate. You get what you give. In no time at all, you’ll be getting some.
I’m in my late 30’s and I’ve lost my sex drive recently. Is this normal?
Normal? No. Common? Yes. I can’t give you a straight answer because losing your sex drive is a complex problem and a variety of issues could be going on. Let’s rule them out.
- Are you on medications? They can affect on your sex drive, especially drugs that treat depression and high blood pressure. (I’m assuming we can rule out illegal substances.) Talk to your doctor, who can prescribe alternate medications.
- Are you running yourself ragged? Stress can be a big factor. Take time for you.
- How is your relationship? You probably don’t want to bang if you’re not getting along. Take an inventory of your relationship.
- Do you have an unknown medical condition? Depression, diabetes, cancer, and heart disease can all deplete your sex drive, either by dulling thoughts of sex or reducing blood flow to your member. Get checked out.
I want to have sex more often than my wife does. How can I bring her interest up to my level?
Apart from bringing Johnny Depp into the bedroom? Try a little romance. In a marriage, it’s so easy to become complacent and fall into a routine. In other words, let things get a little humdrum. So, take a trip down memory lane. How was your lovemaking before she lost interest? It probably wasn’t the “Wham, bam, thank-you ma’am” style, huh? Sex therapist Dr. Marta Meana makes an interesting argument. She believes that the real female orgasm is simply being desired. To sum it up, desire your wife. Make her feel that you not only want to have sex, but that you want to have sex with her.
Men’s Counselor Q+A
Jason Fierstein, MA, LPC
My wife says I don’t communicate well with her. If I want to improve, where do I start?
The absolute first thing you must do is practice better listening skills. Most guys have a hard time listening to their wives or girlfriends, but that’s the key to the castle. Practice sitting with her, listening to her words, and observing her body language and non-verbal cues. Really spend time listening on all levels and watching your own defensiveness or need to talk about your own situation. There’s a time for that, but when you’re really listening – and I mean really listening – you’re not preoccupied or sitting impatiently waiting to interject your own perspective. Validate her concerns, offer to help, and do this repeatedly. It will take some practice, but this is the No. 1 step you can take to create the relationship you really want.
I tend to feel guilty, especially with regard to my wife and family. But I’m not exactly sure why. What does this mean?
I often think of guilt as “anger reversed.” We feel guilty when we know we should do something, yet deep down, we really just don’t want to do it. It’s a psychic split in ourselves between our experiences. If you’re angry, get in touch with it and communicate it as best as you can. If you’re harboring guilt, don’t let it fester and make things worse over time. Deal with it right now. If you’re not getting something you need – more appreciation, more time for yourself, or more time to play ball with the guys – talk with your wife and family and tell them how you are feeling. They’ll understand. You want to do right by them, while still doing yourself good. I think both parties can be satisfied, and the guilt can eventually be left behind.
How can I tell if pornography has become a problem?
Pornography – especially Internet porn – can be a big-time distraction for you and your partner (or any potential dates). If you find yourself regularly using porn and being less sexual with actual people, it might be time to reconsider where you direct your sexual energy. If you’re denying that porn is a problem (to yourself or, especially, to a partner), it’s probably become just that – a problem. If the emotional distance between you and your partner is growing and you’re using porn, those symptoms are likely related, making it time to acknowledge that porn has created a relationship or intimacy problem. She may be feeling rejected and unsexy because you’re spending less time with her and more time with porn. Talk about it and see if there is room in the relationship for porn as a tool to bring you together, not apart.
What simple things can I do to de-stress?
Try these things to help reduce your stress:
- Identify your stress signals and sources of stress. Most guys don’t really stop to think about these things until there’s a problem. Learn where stress comes from and how it affects your mind and body. Know yourself.
- Build better sleep, nutrition, and exercise habits. Try yoga to reduce stress (it’s not just for women anymore!).
- Practice mindful meditation regularly. There are a number of good books that can help. Mindfulness training is proven to reduce stress and improve your overall well-being.
- Stop holding it in. The worst thing you can do is hold stress in because it affects your mind, body, and spirit. The same goes for other emotions, such as anger, sadness, or pain (which can be related to stress). Get help or support to help you cope.
I have anger problems and I tend to hold grudges over little things. How can I learn to just let them go?
Many guys are convinced that if they “just let it go,” the situation (and their anger) will go away. It might, but you’re training your brain to repress your experiences. For many guys struggling with anger, holding it in leads to explosiveness later on – the “pressure cooker” effect. And before that explosion, they stay quiet and silent, simply building up steam with each new situation. Eventually, they explode because the anger hasn’t been released in a healthy way. Instead, try communicating directly what you need, and how you feel (angry) about not getting what you need, whether that’s to your partner, friend, or other person. If you communicate correctly, you can be direct and non-confrontational – and stop “holding it in,” which makes everything much worse, especially in intimate relationships.
