Why Men Cheat: The Big 7 Reasons
BY JASON FIERSTEIN, MA, LPC
Cheating is one of those many things in our culture that we gasp in horror at, yet look to celebrities for some instant titillation for. We’ve seen Tiger Woods, David Letterman, Gov. Mark Sanford and John Edwards all got busted for cheating just this year, and all coughed up an apology only after they’ve been nabbed. For women, it’s next to impossible to really pry the truth out of their men if they’ve cheated, but here are seven main reasons why men cheat. Stopping cheating is looking for – and working on – the reasons, as a preventative measure against it.
1. Guys who cheat stopped feeling like they could win in their relationship or marriage, that nothing that they could do or say could help them feel more successful. These guys give up trying, because they don’t think it’s worth it to try anymore when they’re just hitting their heads against a wall with their partners.
2. Cheating men have stopped connecting emotionally or verbally with their women, and vice versa. A couple will start to cool off, stop initiating intimate communication, reduce or stop having sex and generally start to become more like friends or roommates than lovers. The relationship drift begins and usually doesn’t come back without intervention.
3. These men seek out attention from other women, who do validate and affirm them as men, sexual partners, workers, etc. For these guys, this is an avoidance strategy, because working out those unmet needs from within the relationship with their partners is how the healing can really begin. Other women can satisfy those needs for only so long, until the stress of keeping two relationships is bound to buckle one or the other.
4. Some men come from a family history of cheaters. Maybe Dad did it, or Uncle Larry. It’s considered learned behavior, and it can be handed down generationally (yet preventable) to cheating sons, or daughters.
5. The validation, attention and affection that cheating men get from other women is very intoxicating. For some, it’s like a thirsty camel finding an oasis. A lot of men I talk to didn’t even know that they needed support until they started getting it from another woman.
6. Some men are “emotionally disconnected” from themselves, and therefore, their wives. Generally, men have a much more difficult time being able to communicate their feelings and needs to their wives and girlfriends. They may be afraid to talk about those things because they feel that their home environment is not safe to talk, or are scared of their women.
7. They’re feeling unfulfilled sexually, and are looking for other partners to fulfill them with sex, which could also be related to unmet emotional and intimacy needs. See number 4.
There are a lot of reasons why men cheat, and these are a few. Each situation is different, and each guy is different, but it’s important to make connections to the basics. Sure, sex is important, and we also get bored in relationships, but cheating has way more destructive effects than it does positive ones.
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